Dear Vision,

I miss the luxury of dine-in food. I want to experience sitting down in a restaurant with actual people as I bite into my 5 lb bowl of Umi’s fried rice. My parents are glad that this quarantine has prevented me from spending their money, but I really want to break this whole saving money streak. Please quarantine. Just let me leave my house!

Sincerely, 

Hungry Money Spender

Dear Hungry Money Spender,

Hi. I miss sitting down in restaurants too, but trust me, going out in public right now is not worth it. I suggest you go call DoorDash to bring you some food or just save your money for something useful like toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Anyways, eat cheap and stay safe.

XOXO,

The Vision

Dear Vision,

As if being stuck in my house wasn’t bad enough, I am being forced to share the bathroom with my brother. His disgusting teenage tendencies are becoming too much for me to bear. This morning, he left the toilet seat up and I almost fell in. As if being covered in toilet water isn’t bad enough, he takes hour-long showers for no apparent reason. How do I take control of my bathroom again?

Please help,

Territorial Teeager

Dear Territorial Teenager,

This is war, and you have to defend what’s yours. I suggest the classic saran wrap on the toilet. This way, you assert your dominance. Next, install a lock on the bathroom door and keep the key for yourself. If this still remains ineffective, you might have to resort to taking it to the head of the house.

Best of luck,

The Vision