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To Pineapple Or Not To Pineapple

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To Pineapple Or Not To Pineapple

Janine from Mililani, Hawaii, United States [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Janine from Mililani, Hawaii, United States [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Janine from Mililani, Hawaii, United States [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Ada Fulgham, Vision writer, comic artist

I’m here to address one of the most controversial issues ever faced by humanity. It exceeds even the most debated upon political corruption or celebrity scandals, and is the greatest determination of intellect known to man: Pineapples on pizza or no? The answer to this has been known to make and break relationships, and has even caused rifts in families across the globe.

Our own MSMS family is a direct example of this, and is affected a lot by this issue; not least of all because it affects everyone anyway, but also because of the lack of edible food available on campus, leading to the mass ordering of pizza from the various venues in our city of Columbus. And the consequent decisions concerning toppings is always an issue, especially if one is having to share their pizza with suitemates or a roommate.

Ramon FVelasquez [CC BY-SA 3.0], from Wikimedia Commons

Ramon FVelasquez [CC BY-SA 3.0], from Wikimedia Commons
Literal gold.

After a long day of work and classes, the expectations of good food are dashed by the first smells drifting from the cafeteria, and the almost-forgotten nickname for the establishment–the Rott–is only too-well understood. The subsequent need for food from an outside source can most easily be satiated by a quick call to the nearest Pizza Hut or (the far more superior) Dominoes.

The choice of toppings on a pizza is a deeply personal decision, so it is a bit terrifying to broach such a subject, which is almost like arguing religion. However, I feel as if the question must be answered, however controversial. As one very invested in the debate, the chaos surrounding it is very disturbing, as–to me–the answer is devastatingly obvious: pineapple is the best pizza topping in existence. The sweet contrast of fruit to the saltiness of the cheese, the way the juicy edges burn slightly in the heat, the addition of meats or vegetables only a backseat compliment to the amazingness of the real showstopper of pineapple…all of these truths we hold self-evident, that all pizza toppings were not created equal, and that one rises high above all the rest.

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