I’m here to address one of the most controversial issues ever faced by humanity. It exceeds even the most debated upon political corruption or celebrity scandals, and is the greatest determination of intellect known to man: Pineapples on pizza or no? The answer to this has been known to make and break relationships, and has even caused rifts in families across the globe.

Our own MSMS family is a direct example of this, and is affected a lot by this issue; not least of all because it affects everyone anyway, but also because of the lack of edible food available on campus, leading to the mass ordering of pizza from the various venues in our city of Columbus. And the consequent decisions concerning toppings is always an issue, especially if one is having to share their pizza with suitemates or a roommate.

The choice of toppings on a pizza is a deeply personal decision, so it is a bit terrifying to broach such a subject, which is almost like arguing religion. However, I feel as if the question must be answered, however controversial. As one very invested in the debate, the chaos surrounding it is very disturbing, as–to me–the answer is devastatingly obvious: pineapple is the best pizza topping in existence. The sweet contrast of fruit to the saltiness of the cheese, the way the juicy edges burn slightly in the heat, the addition of meats or vegetables only a backseat compliment to the amazingness of the real showstopper of pineapple…all of these truths we hold self-evident, that all pizza toppings were not created equal, and that one rises high above all the rest.