Lurking through these halls is a six-foot humanoid being many refer to as Jax Dallas. Hailing from Caledonia High School, home of the Confederates, he has carved a path for himself at The Mississippi School for Mathematics and Science.

Within the school, he serves as the Entertainment Editor of the school newspaper, The Vision. He is also the Interfaith Secretary-Treasurer, a member of the Student Environmental Awareness League, and a frequenter of Film Club meetings.  Today, I asked him for an interview. He reluctantly complied.

Question 1

Rebecca: So, Jax, where are you from?

Jax: Caledonia.

Rebecca: Caledonia. Alright, so where… uhh…  I guess that’s it… hm.

Jax: Is that it? That’s the entire thing?

Rebecca: Yeah… I guess.

Jax: The entire interview.

Rebecca: Ha. No.

Question 2

Rebecca: Do you play an instrument?

Jax: Nope.

Rebecca: Alright then.

Question 3

Rebecca: Jax, what’s your favorite food?

Jax: OOOOoooohhhh boi, okay. Maybe… spaghetti? Spaghetti’s good.

Rebecca: Can you tell me why? Specifically?

Jax: Um. Because oftentimes when you have spaghetti, you also have French- ah, I mean garlic bread with it, and it’s a nice accent- the flavor. (such eloquence)

Rebecca: Oh nice! That sounds very… very nice. Alright, good answer. Better than Ryan’s Student Spotlight answer.

Question 4

Rebecca: Alright, so what do you like to do in your free time?

Jax: I don’t have any free time.

(Totally non-objective third party outsiders with absolutely no interest in the matter start laughing)

Rebecca: Touché.

Ryan (sitting nearby): HA-

Question 5

Rebecca: So what are your plans for Thanksgiving?

Jax: Thanksgiving? Um, I’m gonna eat a lot of food, go into a food coma, then wake up and eat more food.

Rebecca: EAUYALrIGHT (the recording audio became distorted here, but generally that is what I said). What kind of food is gonna take part in this coma?

Jax: Auuuhhmm, corn casserole, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole, pecan pie, um. Some more casserole, put ‘em in there.

Rebecca: A lot of casseroles-

Jax: Protein casserole, water casserole…. All sorts of casserole.

Rebecca: Wow, you’re really the master of casseroles, huh?

Jax: Yep.

Rebecca: Yep. Alright, cool.

Question 6

Rebecca: Are you excited for Christmas? Ada-who-de-what are your thoughts on Christmas? Like, on capitalism- how the capitalist society we live in shoves it down our throats.

Jax: Um, I am very proud of capitalism and how far it has brought us. Uhh, what’s his name… Ah, who was the dude who would do the thing in the Red Scare?

Rebecca: McCarthy?

Jax: Yeah, McCarthy! McCarthy would be so proud of all of us. I love it.

Rebecca: Ah yes, okay.

Question 7 (By the way, these questions are totally well thought out and planned beforehand. I indeed did intend for the interview to go in this direction.)

Rebecca: What are your thoughts on communism?

Uriah Jenkins (sitting nearby): Bourgeoisie!

Jax: Um, Communism is, um… Ahhh, what’s the word? Argh, cut this part out!

Rebecca: (laughing) Nah, it’s okay, it’s okay, just keep going- what’re your thoughts on Kanyeism? (Recording became distorted here, but I’m sure that’s what I said.)

Jax: The Russians are trying to destroy us from within, and we need to stay strong and buy all the Coca-Cola that we can.

Rebecca: For America.

Jax: For America.

Question 8

Rebecca: So, Jax, you woke up late this morning. What time did you wake up?

Jax: (proudly) I woke up at 7:58.

Rebecca: Wow. What’s your explanation for this? Why?

Jax: I set an alarm for 6:20 P.M. instead of 6:20 A.M.

Rebecca: Classic mistake.

Closing Remarks

Rebecca: So, last question, do you have any closing remarks? Anything you want to be put put in this article?

Jax: Uummmm. Start your research paper earlier than I did. Actually, don’t- dooooon’t put that because Mrs. Richardson is gonna read that-

Rebecca: It’s too late, it’s already been said-

Jax: No, no, noooooo-

Audio cuts out here. A fight for the recording device ensues.

Closing Remarks Part 2

Rebecca: Alright, closing remarks take two. What’re you- what’re your closing remarks?

Jax: Um, keep your feet off the couches- it’s not clean, it’s not safe.

Rebecca: Nobody puts their feet on the couches-

Jax: (insistently) Yes, they do! People always put their shoes on the couches!

Rebecca: Really?

Jax: It always bothers me.

Rebecca: I thought they always put them on the table-

Jax: (sounding offended) No! People just put their shoes on the couches and it-

Rebecca: So they just take ‘em off and thrown them on the couches?

Jax: No, no, they- the shoes are on their feet, and they put them on the couch. It’s very disrespectful. To the couch overlords.

Rebecca: Hm. Are those your final closing remarks?

Jax: Those are my final closing remarks.

Rebecca: You don’t- you don’t want to talk about research papers? Did you start late?

Jax: I did not start them late- actually, I started two weeks early.

Rebecca: (skeptically) Okay. Alright. Hm. Okay.

Jax: Yeah.

Rebecca: Alright. Goodbye, the end.

To summarize, Jax started his research paper late, if you’re reading this, Mrs. Richardson. Just kidding, he actually started early. I jive.