It’s become the most terrifying time of the year, and the most mortifying person on the MSMS campus, I, Landon Rymer, have plotted and schemed up some devious, disturbing predictions for the MSMS community.

The stars, planets and other scary celestial objects have aligned and given me visions. I see beautiful and terrible things. I’ve boiled them down to the most seasonally thematic (skin-crawling) parts. I apologize in advance to you Virgos for this one. 

Capricorn: You will have one and a quarter nightmares of giant spiders this October. However, the spiders are extremely kind, vegetarian and wear party hats. So, it being a ‘nightmare’ is kind of on you. 

Aquarius: Your check engine light will go off this month. If you don’t have a traditional vehicle, it’ll go off on your moped/bicycle/unicycle/kayak/Big Wheel/legs. Nothing is wrong with your mode of transportation, by the way. The light is just on.

Pisces: Sometime in the next 25ish days you will hand a book that you own to someone you know. That someone will, in this moment, decide today is the day they’ll start licking their fingertips to flip the pages of books. They haven’t ever done this before, so their saliva-to-fingertip area ratio is totally off and they basically leave a circle of stick on the top right of three to five pages of your book. Gross.

Aries: Every time you try to get into a building requiring a keycard this month, it has a 1/8 chance of not working and everyone around you won’t recognize you, so it’ll look like you’re trying to break into places. Maybe just get a friend to open the door for you and avoid the whole ordeal. 

Taurus: You’ll see a crab in a spot you didn’t expect this month, and it’ll spook you a little bit. The Cancers probably have something to do with it. 

Gemini: You may think that because I am half Gemini on my mom’s side, I’ll go easy on y’all. UNTRUE!! We will transform into a werewolf during the full moon, but only in the sense that our nose will get a centimeter bigger. Kind of inconvenient if you wear glasses. 

Cancer: I also won’t be going easy on my paternally inherited sign. For the entire month of October, our refrigerators will find a perfect sweet spot between being just warm enough for us to notice and be upset by, but not quite warm enough for us to complain or fix it. 

Leo: You’ll have to tell your most agonizing secret, the horrifying truth, to everyone you know. That is, that your favorite rapper is Eminem. Kind of like Liar Liar, but this October, I’m your son.

Virgo: You will have to spend at least two hours in Portland, Oregon, sometime within the next 60 years. I know, life is cruel. This isn’t for the month of October 2025, but y’all need as much time as possible to mentally and physically prepare for what is certainly the worst fate of this month. 

Libra: This month, every third person you see and don’t know will strike up a conversation. This is really as positive or negative as you make it. Maybe spread some joy this October?

Scorpio: The next time that you go out for fine dining with a friend, the waiter will be extremely rude to you. You’ll sit down with your friend and you’ll go to the restaurant’s webpage to leave a negative review. But once you get there, you’ll realize that your full legal name and address are the first thing on this establishment’s Yelp page. The second thing on their Yelp page is the message “IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER LEAKED WITHIN THE HOUR, GO TO THESE COORDINATES” with coordinates attached leading to a forest a couple of miles north your current position. You and your companion will sprint to the vehicle and race to the coordinates. You’ll finally arrive at the spot, but there’s nothing but woods. In a split second, you’ll hear someone run up behind you. You’ll jump and turn around, and it’s a white guy with a comically large check from Publisher’s Clearing House. Apparently, you’ll win a lifetime monetary award, and this whole thing will be a setup put on by your friend born between Nov. 22 and Dec. 21.

Sagittarius: You will be too busy setting up a cash-prize giveaway prank on your Scorpio friend this October to have anything scary happen to you.