Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in the May print edition but remains relevant despite its delayed online publication.
Hello, friends and enemies. It’s been a wonderful two years here at The Vision. What better way to end it than an amazing and totally accurate horoscope?
I’m saying goodbye to the stars and all of my avid readers for a while. I’ve enjoyed everything so far, even though my truthful readings have ruffled some feathers. Goodbye, and welcome to the best horoscope EVER!!!!
Capricorn: Your MSMS years have been great so far, but why not end it with a flair of drama? Like your physics grade after finals, you will fall off the stage at graduation. This is your moment. Make sure to bring a couple of people down with you as you blissfully fall to the ground. You will be remembered.
Aquarius: The stars tell me you will get A’s on every single exam, and your college years will be amazing, awesome and other synonyms for amazing and awesome. Your AP tests will be 5’s, and your graduation photos will be perfect. After all, if it’s not on the internet, it didn’t happen.
Pisces: Did you forget that colleges can still revoke your admission if you fail all your classes? Lock in, diva. You can do it! (You can’t do you; email your college and beg for mercy.).
Aries: As a wise woman once said, “Frodnjdoneihfeif.” Take that to heart. I believe in you, diva.
Taurus: Yes, you told everyone you came to MSMS for the “academics” or “people” or “environment,” but that was a lie. There’s a secret ancient relic on campus, and you were sent from your home planet to find it. How’s that going? Hurry up; your time is running out.
Gemini: Ahh, Gemini — the twins. But which art thou? One good, one bad. One will pass, one will fail. One lives, one dies. Hahahahahahahaha.
Cancer: Happy almost birthday, diva! Watch your step … just kidding, you’re going to have a great graduation and college years. Except for the second semester of sophomore year. You’ve been warned.
Leo: Leo, Leo, Leo. I knew a Leo once, and I despise her so much. I think I’ve taken that hatred out on you throughout my past horoscopes. I’m sorry, it wasn’t your fault. As my apology, I will grant you all A’s on your exams.
Virgo: The stars are telling me to tell you that they told me to tell you that you need to tell her to tell him to tell me to tell them about you telling her to tell him to tell me to tell them.
Libra: You know what rhymes with Libra? Zebra. Black with white stripes or white with black stripes? Tis not I nor you to know. Oh, life, life. Is it a world to hide virtues in? Oh, I die, Horatio.
Scorpio: There’s a place you must go to seek out what you need to know. There’s a sign on the wall where you can see it fall. There’s a man sitting there; he’s on a wooden chair.
Sagittarius: Graduation is a time of goodbyes, and let me tell you: I’m so ready to never see you again. Yes, you. Thank goodness.
