I’m back. I have been gifted knowledge from a new supernatural being: The Lizard Kin
Capricorn: Did you know there is a Lizard King that watches over you while you eat at the cafeteria? His name is, “The Lizard King,” and he is cursed to spend his days in agony. He will fight back soon.
Aquarius: My lovely Aquariuses. Wait. What’s the plural of Aquarius? Aquariussssss. I’m going with that. Just remember, it’s your birthday! And birthdays are supposed to be happy, so be happy. Yay! The Lizard King is going to get you an awesome gift! Maybe it’s a lizard hat!
Pisces: You’ve been stressed out. It’s OK to take a deep breath and allow yourself to relax. Everything is going to be okay. Except on March 26. That’s when The Lizard King told me the world was ending. Prepare for the world’s doom! The only way to stop it is to wear a lizard hat and follow The Lizard King until the end of the world. IT’S THE ONLY WAY!
Aries: If you ask me, the Pisces people are going crazy. Someone told them the world’s going to end soon, and they’re freaking out. Apparently, they all stopped with schoolwork and are now following an ethereal being called, “The Lizard King.”
Taurus: Someone is going to sue you in the future. It’s me. Bro, why did you key, “The Lizard King isn’t real,” into my car? Not cool, bud. Not cool.
Gemini: You’ve been caught in the middle of a weird decision. Your life seems to be pulling you in different directions, leading you to the ultimate question: to serve the Lizard King or not to serve the Lizard King. That is, truly, the question.
Cancer: Everyone keeps complaining about how cold it is outside. But you aren’t cold. You’re burning hot. Hotter than The Lizard King’s wrath when he takes over the world! Maybe you’re completing your transformation to a reptile. The blood is mixing, and you don’t know who you are anymore. Are you a man or a lizard?
Leo: Leo starts with L. You know what else starts with L? The Lizard King. Also, Leonardo DiCaprio. Wait … maybe Leo is the Lizard King. Whoa, science.
Virgo: Good news, I have a message from The Lizard King. You are his right-hand man, and you will be the first to see the New Lizard World. Oh, by the way, the world as you know it is ending sometime soon. Ask the Pisces people; they know.
Libra: It’s time. The Lizard King and his army are overtaking us all. You need to fight back. The Lizard King forced me to convert the rest of the signs over to Lizardism. But you, you need to stop it. Save the world! Form an army, and fight the battle.
Scorpio: “Be that word our sign of parting, lizard or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting—
“Get thee back into the Lizard tempest and the Night’s Lizardian shore!
Leave no lizard hat as a token of that lie thy Lizard soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! —quit the lizard roar above my door!
Take thy lizard tail from out my heart and take thy form from off my door!”
Quoth The Lizard King or “The Raven”
Sagittarius: It’s you. I know it. You’re the Lizard King. Why? Why are you taking over the world? You don’t have to. No, you want to. You’re a villain. You’ll fail, I know it. I defy you, Lizard King!
