Some of you have brought to me concerns. You noticed patterns in my horoscopes. I assure you, avid reader, that these occurrences aren’t personal. They are the will of the stars, and I do not control that. I only bring their twisted message. However, I’ll write them in the opposite order to make things even. #Horoscope #Thanksgiving #Hashtag #IsThisTheRealLifeIsThisJustFantasy #IAmBatman
Capricorn: A group of hyenas is called a cackle. A group of crows is called a murder. What is a group of Capricorns called? A group of caps is a cap. A group of corn is an ear. So maybe cap-ears?
Aquarius: Hello, my beautiful friends, I miss you. Today, for Thanksgiving, your mother will make that awesome buttermilk pie (please, Mom, I don’t know if you even read these or know they exist, but I really want buttermilk pie).
Pisces: What rhymes with Pisces? Cry-seas? High-seas? Eye-seas? Something with the seas. Maybe that’s your future. WAIT, I JUST REALIZED PISCES IS A FISH. That works out so well. I’m a genius!!
Aries: DUDE there’s a fly in my living room while I’m writing this, and it won’t go away. That’s not super relevant, so I guess you will also come across an annoying fly. Who’s to say? CRAP, it’s back. UGHGGHGHGHGH.
Taurus: You will come across a great sum of money (maybe like 20 bucks) in the near future. Maybe your parents will give it to you, or you just see it lying around. I’m not sure.
Gemini: Geminis are supposed to be the twins, right? So, I guess one of you will fail the research paper, and the other will get an ‘A’. But, who is who? Who knows? I do. HAHAAHAHAHHAHAAH!!!!!!
Cancer: I’m writing this while watching Gotham, and it’s getting good. Uh, just meditate and do your own horoscope this week. Okay, rock on.
Leo: Omg, I just realized I missed SNL last night. Wait, I just realized they didn’t have SNL last night. Why? I need SNL. What other reliable news source is there other than Weekend Update? Wait, I gotta do your horoscope. Uh, you will have a good Thanksgiving with your family, and you won’t forget SNL next week.
Virgo: You’re going to discover a really good show over the break. Maybe you even get to bond with your family over it. I recommend Parks and Recreation, The Office, Gilmore Girls or Gotham. I just started watching Gotham because I love Batman, so don’t spoil it!
Libra: I know nothing about football, but I do know it’s like football season right now. I guess your favorite sports team will win! I think sports are relative, like the stars. What makes you a person? It is the monsters in your closet, ashes in a fireplace, a miniature Ferris Wheel and a broken handrail overlooking an Eastern European swamp.
Scorpio: The moon is pretty this week; you should go look at it. Maybe you’re secretly a vampire! Oh wait, it’s not Halloween anymore. Uhhhh … you’re a werewolf that can cook? Watch a parade? Idk.
Sagittarius: It’s Thanksgiving; what are you thankful for? It should be a good grade on that UComp bibliography, ALit paper or Elit research paper! You get an ‘A’, my friend. Yay!! Also, you might see a stray cat. Name it James and become best friends — until it starts talking to you. You’ve hallucinated your whole life, and James is the only real thing left to you. WAKE UP!
