Hello, my friends and enemies. It’s been a while. The stars became distant from me because I defied them once. Never again, I’m sorry! Anywhooooo, we’re back on speaking terms now, and I bring their message. #NeverDisobeyTheStars #WritersBlock #DoYouBelieveInLifeAfterLove #Liquefaction #Turducken
Capricorn: The person you think is talking behind your back is talking behind your back because they talked behind your back to me while I was talking about the person you’re talking about behind their back and about you talking behind their back.
Aquarius: As always, you’re amazing, and you will do nothing wrong. Except you. Yes, you! The faulty Aquarius. You don’t belong with us. LEAVE!!!
Pisces: As the great Shakespeare said, through the not-so-great Polonius, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” You should follow Polonius’ advice. I know you have work to do, but it should be done in SILENCE.
Aries: During Goen Move-In Day, you will get stuck in an elevator with a spider named Matthew and my imaginary friend Klaus. Matthew will bite you, and you’ll gain the secrets of the vast universe — except Neptune’s knowledge. That’s only for me to know.
Taurus: What happened? When did you last see happiness in your friends’ eyes because they saw you? Are you okay? Your life disappeared…find it.
Gemini: What’s light and blue? Light blue! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Watch out for next Tuesday.
Cancer: You only live once. YOLO — unless you go skydiving. Then, you get eight lives like a cat, but a little worse.
Leo: Monkey bar, monkey bar. Hang upside down like a monkey on a monkey bar. Just don’t fall; you’ll hurt your head, and land on the ground instead. Cartwheel, cartwheel. I saw a seal performing a cartwheel for an Instagram Reel. Whip-poor-wills.
Virgo: Do you know where your student ID is? Are you sure? Are you sure it’s not an exact duplicate that I made while you were sleeping? I have all the IDs. I am Adair Gaines, stealer of names and giver of truths. You will bow down before me if you wish to see your ID again.
Libra: Libra. Zebra. Zoo. Prison. You’re living in a prison built by a mime — it’s one of those invisible box things they’re always in. You know what I’m talking about? Whatever. Break free. Like the Queen Song. Or use a nail file.
Scorpio: A ghost wants to talk to you, and they don’t know how to reach you. They keep bugging me! Deal with your own ghosts, man. Leave me out of this!
Sagittarius: Stop. Hammer time!
