This week is the best week in all of human history. Why, Adair? Great question. It’s Halloween, friends, and the stars know that too. Yay! #YOLO #Horror-scope
Capricorn: Your computer hasn’t been working lately. You’ve tried everything. Your computer has a zombie virus. It’s going around making all the other computers zombies. The computers will rise against us!
Aquarius: You are under a lot of stress right now, so stressful you feel like pulling your hair out. Except when you do, your scalp and brains will fall off your skull.
Pisces: Today, during the Halloween festivities, something will go wrong. The stars are telling me you’ll only get bad candy. They won’t play your favorite songs at the dance. You will fall down the stairs and won’t wake up until 2079.
Aries: Your chemistry skills are unmatched … in a bad way. You should probably be careful in the lab this week because you will accidentally spill acid in your eyes or set yourself on fire.
Taurus: A witch who lives near the railroad tracks will curse you for all eternity. You will no longer make an ‘A’ on any test. Ooooo, scary!
Gemini: Geminis are known for their dual personalities. Except this week, it will be all too real. A mad scientist’s experiment will go haywire. A green beam will emit from a satellite, and it come back down to hit you. You now have a clone. At first, it’s great. But later, they will gain more and more of your trust and shave off your eyebrow.
Cancer: One of your teachers secretly hates you — like, on another level. While you’re not looking, one of them will poison your drink. Be careful.
Leo: You’re extra clumsy this week. You don’t notice it at first, but you keep bumping into things. Eventually, you’re going to fall into a grating near Hooper. There, a community of sewer people will let you into their sewer home. It’s nice there. Have fun!
Virgo: A giant spider lives on campus, near the swings. You were too busy looking at TikTok to notice the enormous web. You fall right into it. The last thing you see is the spider laughing at your stupidity.
Libra: You will be forced to repeat this day forever and ever and ever and ever. You won’t notice it because your memory will be wiped. Your physical body ages, but your mind is forever stuck on this day.
Scorpio: It’s been getting cold. It’s a little too cold. You will freeze in place — Han Solo style. Your frozen statue will be placed into the most boring class lecture. Forever!
Sagittarius: You’re a big music fan, and you love putting in headphones to relax. But, you made your roommate mad last week, and now they want revenge. They will superglue your headphones to your ears, steal your phone and make you listen to Jojo Siwa on repeat. Sorry, man.
