Editor’s Note: This article uses humor and exaggeration to highlight the author’s strong opinion about candy corn. All opinions are approved by individuals cited and meant to be taken lightly.
Mankind’s worst invention, candy corn, takes away the joy of trick-and-treating for Halloween lovers like myself. From its disturbingly sweet taste to its god-awful texture, candy corn should be erased from existence.
George Renninger created candy corn in 1888. This confectionary torture device consists of corn syrup, sugar, confectioner’s glaze, dextrose and artificial flavoring. Essentially, Renninger messed up sugar and called it candy. I’m a little impressed; I was unaware someone could ruin something so perfect to make something so wrong.
In addition, the texture of candy corn is so bad I do not possess the vocabulary within the school’s rules to truly describe my agony. But alas, I will try. The texture is chalky and waxy. Eating it feels like taking a bite of a poorly scented candle. Basically, candy corn is a sugar candle sent from the bowels of hell to Earth to torment innocent souls.
Despite the apparent disgusting nature of candy corn, there are still enemies among us. Senior Drew Dowdy is an advocate in favor of hell on Earth.
“I love candy corn,” he said. “I ate candy corn yesterday.”
Dowdy’s roommate, Andy “The Angel” Chen, disagrees wholeheartedly with Dowdy’s love for candy corn. Perhaps they will not be roommates for long.
“I think if I had more than one piece at a time, I would throw up and die. It’s basically Satan’s candy,” Chen said.
This debate continues in Goen. Some roommates occasionally argue over this controversial treat, with the candy corn advocates crying as the haters prevail. Personally, anyone who thinks it is delicious should re-evaluate their taste buds, morals and overall personality.
Among them, senior Samar Rahimi Rosas said candy corn has been an important part of her life.
“It just represents all the happiness in my childhood. Growing up, I loved Halloween. [Candy corn] represents all that is good and happy,” Rahimi Rosas said.
On the other hand, her beautiful, awesome and lovely roommate, Petra “The Princess” Herrmann, adamantly despises candy corn.
“Candy corn is a danger to society,” Herrmann said. “There is a reason hazard signs are triangular. It’s because of candy corn. They’re literally shaped like tiny little teeth because they destroy your body when you eat them. They are disgusting.”
Herrmann and Rahimi Rosas said they often fight about their disagreements, and rightfully so. Honestly, Herrmann should give up on converting her roommate to the light side of the force because Rahimi Rosas seems too far gone.
“I mean, she is a disgrace in many ways,” Rahimi Rosas said. “I live with her. She tries to ignore the fact she is below my candy corn shadow. My candy corn crown makes me taller.”
Senior Joey Knight excellently described his sentiments on candy corn with one simple word.
“Ew,” Knight said.
All in all, we as a society need to move on from the pressure to enjoy candy corn. We are our own people. Down with candy corn.
